You Are a Capable Counselor - Don't Punt on Your Friends

I myself am satisfied about you, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able to instruct one another. Romans 15:14 ESV

The crowd was antsy and tired. They’d been hanging out all day, waiting on their turn to talk to Moses. And Moses was exhausted, too. His mind was numbed by all the people and the problems. That’s when his godly father-in-law walked up, and took him aside. 

“Moses, what are you doing?”

He was just doing his job, faithfully ministering to the people. But he was doing it wrong. He was the guy, the single point of contact for all the problems. Moses was overwhelmed and God’s people were underserved. Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, was kind enough to point this out and recommend Moses delegate some of his responsibility.

Moses was acting as the sole antibody for the maladies of God’s people. He was supposed to mediate and counsel and judge a huge number of people on his own — but that just doesn’t work. That’s not God’s design. God’s design includes leadership hierarchy and pastoral influence, but we are also to care for one another.

Many of us are afraid to do that. Many of us think all problems within the church need to be elevated to the pastoral staff. And while that is certainly true for some situations — for example: questions of theology, false teaching, or when matters escalate to church discipline after following the process Jesus teaches in Matthew 18 — many of the problems with the church can be handled by the immune system of the church. 

In other words, you. 

But I’m not a professional. 

But I don’t know the Bible that well.

But I am young.

But I am old. 

But I don’t have the answers.

But I am struggling myself.

But…

We often fail to engage because we worry we will act presumptuously. Or maybe we’re too lazy to care. But regardless of the reason, when we fail to engage we fail to play our part as a member of the body of Christ.

Now allow me to offer two clarifications:

First, I am not suggesting that licensed Biblical counselors are not helpful or even necessary in some situations. We are pro Biblical counseling and recommend licensed counselors often. 

Second, I am not talking about fixing people. We don’t fix people. In fact, I am not even talking about giving advice necessarily. It is a misunderstanding of Biblical counseling to assume that it is like medical care, where you diagnose the problem and prescribe a solution. If that were the case, then yes, to counsel someone would be committing malpractice against our brothers and sisters in pain. 

The main actor in Biblical counseling is God. Not you, not me — God. We must come to this realization before we can be helpful to anyone. If we think we’re the main actor, we will take on more responsibility than the Lord intends.

Over the years I have seen the Lord restore, heal, strengthen, and even save people. I have seen marriages without a pulse become vibrant pictures of the gospel. And while I was present and earnestly engaged, I didn’t do anything. God did.

Let’s get practical — and specific. How do you talk to a brother who has confessed to being an alcoholic? How do you minister to a couple in your Discipleship Group who had a miscarriage? How do you sit with a sister as she grieves the loss of her parent?

Here are 4 steps, and maybe a 5th:

1. Listen. Your job is to sit with them. You can ask gentle questions, but be sure to listen. Listening is not pausing to figure out what you’re going to say next — it is seeking to understand and hear the other person. Pauses in conversation are okay. 

2. Pray with them. Don’t say, “I’ll be praying for you”; pray for them. Not a long, profound, meandering, poetic prayer. Just pray for God’s mercy and comfort.

3. Pray for them. When you get in the car, or find yourself in the first quiet space after meeting with them, ask the Lord to help them. This prayer can be raw, heartfelt, awkward, and as long as you want. Intercede for them. Plead God’s mercy over them. 

4. Listen. Check in with them days later to see how they’re doing. If they want to talk more, hold space for them. If not, respect that. You are a safe harbor, not a surgeon. Just be available to them. 

5. (Maybe) Administer the word of God. In many counseling situations, I don’t know what to say. As a pastor, sometimes the Spirit makes it clear to me and I will speak, but I try to stick as close to God’s Word as I can. I can trust with certainty that if the Lord gives me a word from His Word — a verse or passage — I should share it. The reason I say “maybe” above is because while we should be quite liberal in sharing God’s word with one another, context matters. When I walked out of my parents’ house for the last time as I left for college, my mom was crying and I looked back and said, “It’s okay, Mom. It’s Biblical that a man should leave his father and mother”. That was out of context Biblically (it’s actually about marriage) and also situationally, because I flippantly quoted it without thinking. 

The above approach may seem simplistic, but you are bringing the presence and power of God to bear on someone’s sin or suffering if you will simply sit with them and pray for them. Remember, He is the primary actor. He is the Wonderful Counselor. He will do more than you can ask or think if you’ll humbly come before Him on behalf of others.

In closing, let me say this. If you don’t know what to do, please do come to your pastors. We are here to provide counsel and guidance. We might encourage you to engage, offer to get more involved, or refer you/them to a licensed Biblical counselor. We are here to help in any way we can.

So the next time you encounter a struggling sinner, don’t be afraid. Gently move toward them to listen and ask the Great Physician to do His work. You just might witness a miracle.